Finding what your looking for (when your not even looking)

There is a saying that goes something along the lines of "if you stop looking you will find it" I think that pretty much applies to whatever it is that your looking for, be it the flotsam of life including your car keys, right up to the big stuff that matters much.

I suspect that it has much to do with knowing what it is you want but not focusing on it. The mental image of whatever you desire is lurking constantly in the back of your mind, so when the opportunity presents itself your switched on enough to recognise it could lead to where you want to go, perhaps.

So I hear you ask, what is it I was looking for and how did I find it? After life went decidedly pear shaped a year or so ago, I formed the idea over a couple of month period, that should I ever involve myself with a man that I wasn't married to, then there was a certain type of man and certain type of relationship I wanted. Compromise was not going to enter into it.

I made this sweeping rationalisation and decision, never once thinking that the ideal scenario was even possible, let alone thinking that I would ever find it. But I did. I found a man (or rather he found me) who is in an open marriage, who fits all those little 'must haves' I have on my list. And the 'must haves' are not numerous and unreasonable, but past experience had made me think that finding someone who thought the same way as I do about open relationships and everything they encompass, was just never going to happen. But it did...

Oh and a big 'Thank you very much!' to everyone to who stopped by to say welcome back :)

The beginning...

I know that I left you all with my last post [now removed] thinking that my marriage had ended and to be fair I really thought it had. [Although I do have a tendency toward rash impetuousness, hence the last post] But I thought I had reached the end of the road where there was nothing left. It was all too hard, too complicated and I just didn't want to go on with it any more. The H too was prepared to walk away, he was over the drama, the bullshit and my inability to express myself. There was no 'World War Three' type argument. It was very calm, calm in that icy, terrifying kind of way. Our house of cards had completely fallen down.


Sometimes in order to rebuild something you need to pull it apart completely. It has to crash and burn totally and utterly, so out of the ashes something new and solid can emerge. My marriage was like a house that had one too many renovations done on it. Add ons here, add ons there. The main structure started to destabilise because of all these add ons. It needed to be pulled down and a new, fresh start to emerge. From the outside it looked great, the perfect 'chocolate box' picture of the ideal. Inside however, was a completely different story. There were crack appearing, huge cracks that no amount of plaster was ever going to cover over. Our foundations were still there as we discovered through talking, but that's all we had left, was a foundation of love and affection


So what caused this crash and burn, what pushed us both to the point where we were prepared to end it all and start again without each other?  For me it was rejection that tipped me over the edge. I had, relatively recently, been rejected by a man that I had a huge amount of affection for, then I felt I was being rejected by my husband, a man I loved. I had bottled up the end of the relationship with Mr Big, not wanting to talk about it, express myself. I built a huge wall around myself thinking that I had to deal with it on my own. That it was unfair of me to let the H see what I was thinking and feeling about it all, as it wasnt his relationship, so why should I put him through the process of the aftermath.


He was confused and hurt by this approach from me. He thought that the best thing to do was give me some space both mentally and physically. I saw this as him also rejecting me. It hurt that he didn't want to touch me, be around me. It felt like a HUGE double whammy of rejection. So the more I felt hurt, the more I pushed him away and the more he distanced himself from me. Until it got to the point where we barely talking to each other and could hardly stand to be in the same room. Which is a bloody tough thing to do when you work together. We are together 21 hours a day and it takes some serious effort on both of our parts to function at home and work together without actually communicating. Then those fateful words were uttered 'I don't want to do this any more' and there was no disagreement from each of us other over them, just an acceptance.


As we were discussing the dissolution of our marriage, the tin tacks of breaking part the assets, dividing money and possessions, snippets started to emerge. When you think that all is lost and there is nothing more left to lose those hurtful, hateful, truthful things come out. Things you have never said before because you know they are going to hurt the other person. And with those hurtful, truthful word came a realisation for both of us that we still had a foundation. It was there, buried under all sort of crap and once that crap was shifted off there was indeed something left.


I cannot say that yet, all of the rubbish has been removed, dealt with, sorted and recycled. But 95% of it has now been moved on. We had both truly thought that we had already done this, gone through this process when he caught me cheating. But we hadn't, we had merely plastered over the cracks and then tacked on a few more additions to our marriage. The last time had taught us how to talk to each other, to communicate but we hadn't broken down and rebuilt what was there.

So what are we left with? Well a marriage for a start. And yes, we are going to continue having an open marriage. It is something that both of us truly want. That's not to say that there are not still issues around this, there are and those are ones that I want to blog about, in a very honest way. So yes, I will still be blogging but I am going to stop portraying that lovely glossy veneer as I tend to do. Its going to be a wee bit more gritty and honest from now on.

And so, a new beginning...

Keeping secrets...

My blog is one of the worst kept secrets out there. In fact I don't even really try to keep it a secret. All of my friends read it, my husband does [and helps me with my HNT pic's...thank you darling], heck even my accountant reads it. Why don't I keep it secret? Well because I don't really have anything to hide. We have an open marriage and whilst we don't go around broadcasting it, we don't try to hide it. Its just us. Yes, it does mean I do somewhat temper what I write about and who I write about but on the whole it works out well. I even told Mr Big about it, which kind of brings me to the crux of this post.


I did debate long and hard about telling him at the time. Potentially, telling him could have been a relationship killer, but I thought discovering it for himself would have been far worse than me simply telling him. I did think through the ramification of what may happen when the relationship ended and decided that if he still continued to read it and came across some long, bitchy, venty post about him well so bloody be it! A non-confrontation way of letting the other person know how your thinking and feeling...A literary 'fuck you' so to speak.


And thus the relationship did eventually end. And there in front of me was the opportunity to write that long, bitchy, venty post about him. Except what I didn't realise when I made the decision to tell him about my blog, was that I wouldn't actually be interested in writing that 'bitchy' back-handed revenge post. To be fair, I didn't write those type of posts for any of the other men that I have had in my life, although none of them knew about my blog, but then I didn't feel the same way about them as I did about him either.


There is a saying that goes something like this 'The best revenge is a life well lived'. And that is something that I have inadvertently ended up doing post-Mr Big on my blog. So I have blogged about my 'life well lived' and had a lot of fun doing it too! Pushing myself to get out there and do. I have tried some things that I have always wanted to try, like swinging, and have generally kept my life busy and fun-filled. Some of the things I have blogged about, some I haven't yet. Its been a great way of refocussing my life and I have had in the back of my mind, should he pop back for a peek, there is no bitter, lunatic rant [not that I have actually had one even outside of my blog] sitting on my pages! Just fun times and my random thoughts on stuff.

But some how this has managed to come back and bite me on the arse.  How? Well there are some things that I want to blog about. Like how my looking for a new fuck buddy has been a complete and utter disaster because my enthusiasm level for it is in negative territory. Mr Damn-near-perfect was dropped in my lap and I managed to find ten really good reasons [in my mind] as to why he wouldn't fit as a FB. Whilst the theory of 'the best way over one man is with another' is indeed a great theory....just not one that's worked out well for me because I think I need to get over one man before I can find another.



I know your all sitting there wondering how this is all a problem and why I can't blog about it, right? Well as any blogger will tell you, blogs have statistic. Its what makes [most] us all into statistics whores...we love knowing how many readers visit us, where they came from, what key words they found us with or which other blogs our reader came from. Statistics so detailed we know what countries and cities you live in. You can see where this is going? Yup, I'm pretty certain Mr Big is peeking. Which is not really a big deal except....I am not writing some of things I want to because I would rather him not know. Not know that I'm not getting over him quite as fast as I thought I would and its tougher than I imagined too, hence the lack of enthusiasm for another FB. The other reason is, seeing those particular stats and visits isn't really helping me to keep him out of my mind, isn't helping me move on.


So why don't I just send him an email telling him to stop peeking? Well that just seems like a really bitchy thing to do [and he was on the receiving end of enough of my bitchiness] and I could also be very wrong, it may not be him at all! I suppose I could well have carried on, just skipping the non-bloggable bits [like this post] and you all and maybe even him would be none the wiser about any of this, but that option just isn't sitting right with me. So this post is about putting it out there, so I can just get on and write about all the bits I want to write about. I am so much better at writing about what I think and feel than actually speaking it out loud, which is why I enjoy blogging so much.


So there, its out there! Would I ever tell the next man in my life about my blog? I don't know, perhaps not. Its one of the many things I have re-evaluated about 'the other man' part of my life. That's the one great thing about life, its ever evolving, ever changing and full of surprises!

Relationships...

Having one relationship is hard enough, some days I think I'm completely cracked trying to have two. Especially one that doesn't fit into a defined 'box'. For a start what the heck do I call him (Mr Big, in case your wondering what the hell I'm on about...don't worry I often do!) a lover? my boyfriend? a very, very good friend with some outstanding benefits? nah that last one is a bit long. I like the term boyfriend, its kinda cute but I'm  not sure it quite fits.

And then there's defining the boundaries of the relationship. He's single, I'm not. It was all so much easier when we were a couple of adulterers. There are the rules of adultery to follow, you know the ones...don't text after hours, daytime meetings only, basic facts about each other is the only information shared etc...Now I wonder and worry about how much we should see and talk to each other. I also suspect I worry about this stuff far too much. Its really hard finding the boundaries though. How much relationship is enough but not too much?

I know he sees me than more than a fuck buddy, someone he has feelings for and that it has evolved into being about more than just sex but what exactly is more? And I feel the same of him but at the end of the day, I'm married to someone else, I'm not a single girl and potential girlfriend. Oh I know we are still very much in an evolutionary phase and probably will be for sometime to come, so much has happened not only in our own lives but together that we are still finding our way.

From where we started as a couple of sneaky-on-the-side adulterers to being able to have a relationship out in the open and in front of everyone has been a heck of journey, one that even after seven months feels very much like its just beginning. So I guess I now can call myself polyamorous, husband in one hand and boyfriend in the other.

Oh and after eleven weeks apart, Mr Big and I finally got to spend sometime together one night last week...

The 27 year old brunette....

Nooo not for me! I don't *do* young ones [That's a topic worth a whole damn post!] So if not for me, your asking, then who? why the H of course. Yes, he has found himself a hot, young thing. And how does Ms Petal feel about this you wonder? well actually ok, more than ok! In fact I feel just great about it.

I know that at some point I will feel very un-ok about this, and I have been indeed wondering if I'm deluding myself in some way. But every way I look at it, every time I think about it, its fine. When he first told me about her, some months ago, I was good with it. When he came home today and told me about the outstanding oral sex they had in the park during their picnic lunch I was more than great about it, in fact I was down right excited for him!

Which in some small way worries me a bit. Am I supposed to feel this ok about it? Aren't I supposed to feel horribly jealous? Should I be intimidated and put out by the fact she's 27 and hot? Am I supposed to feel a twinge of something that she gives outstanding blow jobs? I don't though. None of that worries me, upsets me or makes me jealous. I am happy and I'm even happier that he's happy!

The conclusion I have come to, what I am experiencing is compersion. Compersion, as defined by Wikipedia, being "the experience of taking pleasure that one's partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself". Oddly enough, or not oddly, its something I feel about many aspects of my life with the H. I don't just get pleasure from seeing him happy with his hot, young girlfriend but I feel pleasure whenever he's happy, no matter what is making him happy. It is definitely very cool stuff.

Now I do know that one day, one moment, I am not going to be happy about it all. There will be things that makes me feel insecure, upset, jealous, emotional and so many other thing but that's just part of having an open relationship and I also know that none of that or those feelings wont be able to be overcome by communication.....ah, so much easier to say than do I know!

Its fucking hard...

I knew it wouldn't be easy opening our marriage up. I expected it to be challenging, to not always go well or as planned. But I think I had in some small way deluded myself as how to how fucking hard it would be sometimes. Monogamy is the norm, its the expected in society and its a strong belief that we are all raised with. You will find one partner, and one partner only and settle down into a life-long state of marital bliss with that person. Trying to overcome your own in-built morals surrounding that *fact* is hard enough, trying to do in within a relationship with another persons own perceptions of that in-built fact is fucking hard.

Monogamous relationships are fucking hard too. There are enormous challenges that face any couple trying to bond over a long period of time, hell just the passage of life and the changing nature of people makes any relationship require constant attention and work. Throw in all the pitfalls of trying open that relationship up to include other people and you just magnify every crack in your original relationship and discover great chasms opening up before your very eyes.

So if its so bloody hard, why do it? damn good question. Because when it does work and it is going well, its awesome, fulfilling, fun, exciting, satisfying and so many other things! And working your way through the hard bits with your partner is good, its not always fun but its good, its satisfying and at the end of the day you pop out the other side better off. Not only as a person but as a couple as well and those benefits can be felt in every single part of your life.

And when it doesn't work? When communication seems to go nowhere other than an ever decreasing circle...when jealous becomes too much for either of you to handle...when the hard bits feel too damn hard...what do you do then? Fucked if I know...

Fourteen hours of fun...

This post was meant to be about the fourteen fantastic hours I spent with Mr Big. And it was a truly fantastic night! But given I have just ended our relationship I am very much struggling to gather together the necessary state of mind to write about it in a way it deserves.....I will hopefully get to it one day. The night was everything I had hoped for and some!

Why did I end it? Well when your marriage opens up you realise that there a potential there for not just a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits, but for a relationship. Your not sneaking around grabbing snatches of the other person whenever and wherever you can. Knowing that what your getting is as much as you can get or as good as it can get.

I had/have feelings for him, huge feelings that came through when I realised that there really could be a relationship. Unfortunately with him just coming out of a long term relationship, there wasn't space in his head for one with me.

When you have feelings for someone, you also have expectation. Expectations of the way you want them to behave towards you, of what you want from them. When you want to have a relationship with someone you also have needs, needs that need to be met.

He is not in a position to meet my expectations or my needs at the moment. So to save myself a lot of grief, hurt and disappointment, I decided that moving on is the best thing for now. I didnt want to get to a point where I was being hurt because he couldn't meet my expectations or needs.

It is so very fucking hard to let go of someone you want so badly...

One door closes....

So there it is.....the story about how I was caught cheating by my husband and the aftermath. But there is one small loose end that needs wrapping up doesn't it? Whatever happened to my 'bits on the side'?

Well... nothing. They are still there. I have somehow inexplicitly ended up with an open marriage. I was more than willing to give up my guys, to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. But my husband pointed out the unlikeliness of me remaining faithful, ad infinitum. He pointed out that it seem to be something I need and want and my infidelity wasn't just only a by-product of our marriage difficulties. Besides, he said, 'Its just so very you'.

So, as one door closes, another one opens....

I know I could and perhaps should add a lot more to this post about how I feel about this and indeed what shape this new open marriage of ours is going to take but I think for now this is enough. I am sure all of the details will emerge over time as I keep blogging....Yup, I'm not going anywhere and neither is my blog! Although, I am left with the dilemma of do I change my blog name and layout or not......argh!!