Its fucking hard...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I knew it wouldn't be easy opening our marriage up. I expected it to be challenging, to not always go well or as planned. But I think I had in some small way deluded myself as how to how fucking hard it would be sometimes. Monogamy is the norm, its the expected in society and its a strong belief that we are all raised with. You will find one partner, and one partner only and settle down into a life-long state of marital bliss with that person. Trying to overcome your own in-built morals surrounding that *fact* is hard enough, trying to do in within a relationship with another persons own perceptions of that in-built fact is fucking hard.

Monogamous relationships are fucking hard too. There are enormous challenges that face any couple trying to bond over a long period of time, hell just the passage of life and the changing nature of people makes any relationship require constant attention and work. Throw in all the pitfalls of trying open that relationship up to include other people and you just magnify every crack in your original relationship and discover great chasms opening up before your very eyes.

So if its so bloody hard, why do it? damn good question. Because when it does work and it is going well, its awesome, fulfilling, fun, exciting, satisfying and so many other things! And working your way through the hard bits with your partner is good, its not always fun but its good, its satisfying and at the end of the day you pop out the other side better off. Not only as a person but as a couple as well and those benefits can be felt in every single part of your life.

And when it doesn't work? When communication seems to go nowhere other than an ever decreasing circle...when jealous becomes too much for either of you to handle...when the hard bits feel too damn hard...what do you do then? Fucked if I know...

16 comments:

myles96 said...

Yep... it sucks.

bdenied said...

well then you find someone like me who could not have wife who does not have sex with other men....its my drug I crave it but it is not a harmful drug, just a fun one...and even with someone like me it does not happen all the time, just on occasion (although Id like it to happen weekly if not more) because finding guys who thinks its ok for wives to do other men is much harder than one might think.

Martin B said...

...Either press on regardless and accept the consequences (high risk/high reward), or take the least line of resistance (safer, but...). I'm not sure there is a middle way, which doesn't have the worst of both worlds...

Topaz said...

The fact that you guys are trying to make it work is admirable - it takes strength to try this (my marriage couldn't survive it right now). I can't say much other than my wishes for your happiness .

grg999 said...

I'm a sub husband with a wife that has outside interests. It was hard on me at first, but we have worked it out. Now I know that look of hers and know what will happen. Because of social norms we work together to keep it discrete. I have picked her friend up and brought him back and her to his place. Being sub has made it all a lot easier. I hope you work out something that works for both of you.

Black Pearl said...

Being at the crossroads of Monogamy and Infidelity is quite the challenge. I don't know if it makes things harder or easier because you're in an open marriage. Part of me thinks that just outright cheating is easier. However, if I did go that route, I think this time, I'd want hubby to know about it up front.

MyKey said...

Hmm hard indeed. I have no idea what the pitfalls would be, or how they can be overcome. Good luck though.

I imagine you, with your passion, will make it. Give it time and effort.

Xxx

sexentric said...

Sorry to hear its so hard and not always in a good way! I have always hoped to be able to have a relationship like that. I am probably closer now than ever before, though only on paper - proving it is the next step. As a man who loves women but likes sexy men, I don't have a problem with another man, I want it too. We have decided that one-off experiences with people we don't know is the way to go, especially in a country full of small towns. Good luck and be confident, in yourself and your man...
x

Mr. Passion said...

I completely agree with what you say about social norms. I never believed that we could only love one person at a time. I for sure has a heart to hold two women at the same time.

I wish I could get my wife to agree to an open relationship. As much as I love her, there are things that an open relationship will bring that could make me happy as an individual. However, I know she's never going to agree and my jokes around that has always failed. Unfortunately, this means that I've gone across to the other side committing adultery. I don't feel guilty about it anymore and love this other girl to bits. So I simply wish I could be like you even though it could be as difficult as you say.

Keep these lovely thought provoking posts coming.

XX

dark snow said...

love it, but hate it as well...life is full of contradiction..

southerngirl said...

It seems to me a rocky road. Stay strong and communicate...set boundaries and respect each other.

xx

Luna Sea said...

Such an honest post.. It would be hard to have an open marriage, at least for me. So, good luck with it - respect each other and love one another, and make sure that you know when to say enough is enough.

Love your blog!

xo

Sexy PTA Mom said...

Yes, it is so hard at times! I have been going through some of this myself, and lots of jealousy. I hope the communication gets better between you soon. That can go in cycles as well, as long as you keep trying. Sending cyber hugs your way.

Kimberly said...

Relationships are hard in any form. If you figure out how to make it all easier please let me know...

rumple12 said...

Open relationships ..if they were easy a lot more of us would be in them, it would get the wife off nagging me about did I do this, did I pick up that etc etc, instead she'd be too busy fucking around. Except ..I would want to to downgrade and would want someone who appreciates her ..but not too much dammit.

Now if she'd only agree to that, I could have my fun without the time constraints ..thats the best part I see about a open relationship, being able to go fuck without having to make a big story up, its the lieing I hate as Blackadders mother said to him about the sheep.

I don't think I've made much sense here ..thats quite the norm

Fantasia Lillith said...

As soon as you so anything that isn't the social norm it's hard. Evenif it's not sexual - ten times more when it is. Best of luck!

 
◄Design by Pocket