I know that I left you all with my last post [now removed] thinking that my marriage had ended and to be fair I really thought it had. [Although I do have a tendency toward rash impetuousness, hence the last post] But I thought I had reached the end of the road where there was nothing left. It was all too hard, too complicated and I just didn't want to go on with it any more. The H too was prepared to walk away, he was over the drama, the bullshit and my inability to express myself. There was no 'World War Three' type argument. It was very calm, calm in that icy, terrifying kind of way. Our house of cards had completely fallen down.
Sometimes in order to rebuild something you need to pull it apart completely. It has to crash and burn totally and utterly, so out of the ashes something new and solid can emerge. My marriage was like a house that had one too many renovations done on it. Add ons here, add ons there. The main structure started to destabilise because of all these add ons. It needed to be pulled down and a new, fresh start to emerge. From the outside it looked great, the perfect 'chocolate box' picture of the ideal. Inside however, was a completely different story. There were crack appearing, huge cracks that no amount of plaster was ever going to cover over. Our foundations were still there as we discovered through talking, but that's all we had left, was a foundation of love and affection
So what caused this crash and burn, what pushed us both to the point where we were prepared to end it all and start again without each other? For me it was rejection that tipped me over the edge. I had, relatively recently, been rejected by a man that I had a huge amount of affection for, then I felt I was being rejected by my husband, a man I loved. I had bottled up the end of the relationship with Mr Big, not wanting to talk about it, express myself. I built a huge wall around myself thinking that I had to deal with it on my own. That it was unfair of me to let the H see what I was thinking and feeling about it all, as it wasnt his relationship, so why should I put him through the process of the aftermath.
He was confused and hurt by this approach from me. He thought that the best thing to do was give me some space both mentally and physically. I saw this as him also rejecting me. It hurt that he didn't want to touch me, be around me. It felt like a HUGE double whammy of rejection. So the more I felt hurt, the more I pushed him away and the more he distanced himself from me. Until it got to the point where we barely talking to each other and could hardly stand to be in the same room. Which is a bloody tough thing to do when you work together. We are together 21 hours a day and it takes some serious effort on both of our parts to function at home and work together without actually communicating. Then those fateful words were uttered 'I don't want to do this any more' and there was no disagreement from each of us other over them, just an acceptance.
As we were discussing the dissolution of our marriage, the tin tacks of breaking part the assets, dividing money and possessions, snippets started to emerge. When you think that all is lost and there is nothing more left to lose those hurtful, hateful, truthful things come out. Things you have never said before because you know they are going to hurt the other person. And with those hurtful, truthful word came a realisation for both of us that we still had a foundation. It was there, buried under all sort of crap and once that crap was shifted off there was indeed something left.
I cannot say that yet, all of the rubbish has been removed, dealt with, sorted and recycled. But 95% of it has now been moved on. We had both truly thought that we had already done this, gone through this process when he caught me cheating. But we hadn't, we had merely plastered over the cracks and then tacked on a few more additions to our marriage. The last time had taught us how to talk to each other, to communicate but we hadn't broken down and rebuilt what was there.
So what are we left with? Well a marriage for a start. And yes, we are going to continue having an open marriage. It is something that both of us truly want. That's not to say that there are not still issues around this, there are and those are ones that I want to blog about, in a very honest way. So yes, I will still be blogging but I am going to stop portraying that lovely glossy veneer as I tend to do. Its going to be a wee bit more gritty and honest from now on.
And so, a new beginning...
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