The beginning...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I know that I left you all with my last post [now removed] thinking that my marriage had ended and to be fair I really thought it had. [Although I do have a tendency toward rash impetuousness, hence the last post] But I thought I had reached the end of the road where there was nothing left. It was all too hard, too complicated and I just didn't want to go on with it any more. The H too was prepared to walk away, he was over the drama, the bullshit and my inability to express myself. There was no 'World War Three' type argument. It was very calm, calm in that icy, terrifying kind of way. Our house of cards had completely fallen down.


Sometimes in order to rebuild something you need to pull it apart completely. It has to crash and burn totally and utterly, so out of the ashes something new and solid can emerge. My marriage was like a house that had one too many renovations done on it. Add ons here, add ons there. The main structure started to destabilise because of all these add ons. It needed to be pulled down and a new, fresh start to emerge. From the outside it looked great, the perfect 'chocolate box' picture of the ideal. Inside however, was a completely different story. There were crack appearing, huge cracks that no amount of plaster was ever going to cover over. Our foundations were still there as we discovered through talking, but that's all we had left, was a foundation of love and affection


So what caused this crash and burn, what pushed us both to the point where we were prepared to end it all and start again without each other?  For me it was rejection that tipped me over the edge. I had, relatively recently, been rejected by a man that I had a huge amount of affection for, then I felt I was being rejected by my husband, a man I loved. I had bottled up the end of the relationship with Mr Big, not wanting to talk about it, express myself. I built a huge wall around myself thinking that I had to deal with it on my own. That it was unfair of me to let the H see what I was thinking and feeling about it all, as it wasnt his relationship, so why should I put him through the process of the aftermath.


He was confused and hurt by this approach from me. He thought that the best thing to do was give me some space both mentally and physically. I saw this as him also rejecting me. It hurt that he didn't want to touch me, be around me. It felt like a HUGE double whammy of rejection. So the more I felt hurt, the more I pushed him away and the more he distanced himself from me. Until it got to the point where we barely talking to each other and could hardly stand to be in the same room. Which is a bloody tough thing to do when you work together. We are together 21 hours a day and it takes some serious effort on both of our parts to function at home and work together without actually communicating. Then those fateful words were uttered 'I don't want to do this any more' and there was no disagreement from each of us other over them, just an acceptance.


As we were discussing the dissolution of our marriage, the tin tacks of breaking part the assets, dividing money and possessions, snippets started to emerge. When you think that all is lost and there is nothing more left to lose those hurtful, hateful, truthful things come out. Things you have never said before because you know they are going to hurt the other person. And with those hurtful, truthful word came a realisation for both of us that we still had a foundation. It was there, buried under all sort of crap and once that crap was shifted off there was indeed something left.


I cannot say that yet, all of the rubbish has been removed, dealt with, sorted and recycled. But 95% of it has now been moved on. We had both truly thought that we had already done this, gone through this process when he caught me cheating. But we hadn't, we had merely plastered over the cracks and then tacked on a few more additions to our marriage. The last time had taught us how to talk to each other, to communicate but we hadn't broken down and rebuilt what was there.

So what are we left with? Well a marriage for a start. And yes, we are going to continue having an open marriage. It is something that both of us truly want. That's not to say that there are not still issues around this, there are and those are ones that I want to blog about, in a very honest way. So yes, I will still be blogging but I am going to stop portraying that lovely glossy veneer as I tend to do. Its going to be a wee bit more gritty and honest from now on.

And so, a new beginning...

14 comments:

Florida Dom said...

Yummy Mummy: Congratulations on putting your marriage back together again.

I hope that going through this experience will make it stronger than ever.

Good luck.

FD

Spring Flower said...

Petal,

I admire the maturity you both show as you face the reconstruction of your marriage. I never thought about crashing and burning before rebuilding.

I'm looking forward to reading more about you.

SF

perkins said...

Welcome back!

Hubman said...

You say grittier and more honest, I say more reflective of a real relationship and quite possibly more interesting to read. Not that you weren't already interesting to read, you know what I mean?

Best wishes to you and hubby!

Southern Sage said...

thats good girl. Congrats on putting it back together. Good luck moving forward.

Aurore said...

I'm so happy to hear this - not the crashing and burning part, though I understand why it was necessary - but the rebuilding. That takes time and commitment and a lot of patience. All the best to both of you.

Get8More said...

Best Wishes...

bdenied said...

Well I am relieved. I am also so happy you have chosen to continue in an open marriage...the openess does not seem to be what is causing problems and he does not appear from what we know to be really upset over your "cheating." so patch it together and keep seeing other men..You will because it is part of your nature to do so...maybe not right away but sooner or later you will and when you do enjoy it. glad to have you back...keep us posted

Ms Scarlett said...

SO glad to see you back, Petal. For the record... I'm good with gritty and honest. I'm just glad you're both ok and working on things.

XO

Suburban Hotwife said...

WOW, I wish I had read the last post before it was removed in order to understand your emotions at the time.
I am glad to hear you two have talked and have decided to rebuild your relationship. I am with Hubman on the gritty content, but for selfish reasons. So often all we see of others (in real life and the blogoshpere) is the picture perfect exterior, myself included.

Thanks for the honest recount and I am looking forward to reading more.

SH

Dizzy Mare said...

Very glad that this new chapter is starting for you both. Am selfishly pleased that we have not lost your blogs. Gritty is good. Take care.

x

Vixen said...

This is good. To be on the same page mentally, emotionally, etc.

I think there are so many things/aspects when you open your marriage that leave you vulnerable to...hurt. Confusion.

I"m glad you found a better place. *hugs*

xoxo

The Panserbjørne said...

Odd, isn't it, how only after you let go of everything do you realize how much you had in the first place. I have to say I'm very happy to hear you're working things out with your husband. I wish you both tons of luck in reconnecting all the connections that had come loose.

-- PB

Sir Thomas said...

smoking.....

 
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