Keeping secrets...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My blog is one of the worst kept secrets out there. In fact I don't even really try to keep it a secret. All of my friends read it, my husband does [and helps me with my HNT pic's...thank you darling], heck even my accountant reads it. Why don't I keep it secret? Well because I don't really have anything to hide. We have an open marriage and whilst we don't go around broadcasting it, we don't try to hide it. Its just us. Yes, it does mean I do somewhat temper what I write about and who I write about but on the whole it works out well. I even told Mr Big about it, which kind of brings me to the crux of this post.

I did debate long and hard about telling him at the time. Potentially, telling him could have been a relationship killer, but I thought discovering it for himself would have been far worse than me simply telling him. I did think through the ramification of what may happen when the relationship ended and decided that if he still continued to read it and came across some long, bitchy, venty post about him well so bloody be it! A non-confrontation way of letting the other person know how your thinking and feeling...A literary 'fuck you' so to speak.

And thus the relationship did eventually end. And there in front of me was the opportunity to write that long, bitchy, venty post about him. Except what I didn't realise when I made the decision to tell him about my blog, was that I wouldn't actually be interested in writing that 'bitchy' back-handed revenge post. To be fair, I didn't write those type of posts for any of the other men that I have had in my life, although none of them knew about my blog, but then I didn't feel the same way about them as I did about him either.

There is a saying that goes something like this 'The best revenge is a life well lived'. And that is something that I have inadvertently ended up doing post-Mr Big on my blog. So I have blogged about my 'life well lived' and had a lot of fun doing it too! Pushing myself to get out there and do. I have tried some things that I have always wanted to try, like swinging, and have generally kept my life busy and fun-filled. Some of the things I have blogged about, some I haven't yet. Its been a great way of refocussing my life and I have had in the back of my mind, should he pop back for a peek, there is no bitter, lunatic rant [not that I have actually had one even outside of my blog] sitting on my pages! Just fun times and my random thoughts on stuff.

But some how this has managed to come back and bite me on the arse.  How? Well there are some things that I want to blog about. Like how my looking for a new fuck buddy has been a complete and utter disaster because my enthusiasm level for it is in negative territory. Mr Damn-near-perfect was dropped in my lap and I managed to find ten really good reasons [in my mind] as to why he wouldn't fit as a FB. Whilst the theory of 'the best way over one man is with another' is indeed a great theory....just not one that's worked out well for me because I think I need to get over one man before I can find another.

I know your all sitting there wondering how this is all a problem and why I can't blog about it, right? Well as any blogger will tell you, blogs have statistic. Its what makes [most] us all into statistics whores...we love knowing how many readers visit us, where they came from, what key words they found us with or which other blogs our reader came from. Statistics so detailed we know what countries and cities you live in. You can see where this is going? Yup, I'm pretty certain Mr Big is peeking. Which is not really a big deal except....I am not writing some of things I want to because I would rather him not know. Not know that I'm not getting over him quite as fast as I thought I would and its tougher than I imagined too, hence the lack of enthusiasm for another FB. The other reason is, seeing those particular stats and visits isn't really helping me to keep him out of my mind, isn't helping me move on.

So why don't I just send him an email telling him to stop peeking? Well that just seems like a really bitchy thing to do [and he was on the receiving end of enough of my bitchiness] and I could also be very wrong, it may not be him at all! I suppose I could well have carried on, just skipping the non-bloggable bits [like this post] and you all and maybe even him would be none the wiser about any of this, but that option just isn't sitting right with me. So this post is about putting it out there, so I can just get on and write about all the bits I want to write about. I am so much better at writing about what I think and feel than actually speaking it out loud, which is why I enjoy blogging so much.

So there, its out there! Would I ever tell the next man in my life about my blog? I don't know, perhaps not. Its one of the many things I have re-evaluated about 'the other man' part of my life. That's the one great thing about life, its ever evolving, ever changing and full of surprises!


Anonymous said...

I've posted a rant on my blog and while it was a great outlet at the time, it didn't do any good nor bad.

I like that... the best revenge is a life well lived. :)

And like you, deceptions after deceptions over finding someone new, because I have yet to get over that one man.

Very interesting post,

Signed: another stats whore in Ontario, Canada! LOL

Anonymous said...

Stat whore here too. Wanna know how the freaks get to me and where they are all that too.

I bet mailing the dood and asking him not to read would do nothing except make him read.

Jz said...

I'll admit, your first instinct is mine also. I'm pretty cautious about public vomiting. (Largely because I'm prone to hyperbole that just embarrasses later.)
Much better to just keep my mouth shut and remind myself that I hold the moral high ground! :-)

That said, it's not pleasant to be ham-strung in what you write either, tho'. I've experienced that too, and it stinks.

I think this is a nice compromise. Now, forge ahead!

Vixen said...



This is so incredibly ironic it's not even funny! I have a long post for CQW scheduled to post tonight regarding this exact same matter.

AND at the same time received an email from a friend asking why I can write so candidly about my experiences with past women but not my current relationships.

And everything you said here...this is WHY. The current FWB I am seeing knows about my blog. He reads it daily. And it's fine. He found it on his own, he is a very intelligent guy and I don't go totally *out of my way* to hide it. So it's fine. But I do find myself censoring a bit what I say bc I don't want to fuck/muck things up with him. Bc it's a damn good thing right now!

Loved this post. xoxoox

Anonymous said...


legs for miles....

those need kissing from the top to the bottom

sweetsinnergwen said...

I have a lot to learn from you. Love the literary fuck-you. Well said.

Anonymous said...


Wait, does anyone say +1 other than computer nerds? Whoops.

These are all struggles I've had with my blog, too. There are various things I can't post, for one reason or another, and I always, always feel like I want it to be more honest, even though it's already pretty damned honest.

If I had a current lover who read my blog, or a former lover as you have, how would that impact how I write?

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