My sister and I were recently invited to our cousins hen night. I was deeply unexcited at the prospect of hanging out with a bunch of women I don't know, along with a cousin I really don't know, wearing fairy wings and doing drunken hen night shit. But my sister convinced me that it was unlikely to have fairy wings involved, secondly, it could be a great way to get to know our cousin better and besides, we could turn it into a girls weekend in Auckland. With the fun factory increased by ten and a solemn promise from her that no fairies would be harmed in the making of this weekend off we went.
Friday night was relatively low key for us. Dinner at our favourite restaurant in the viaduct followed by a few drinks at one of those cute little pseudo-Irish pubs with a live band. We kicked around the idea of going to the strippers but decided that if the Hen night was indeed rubbish as I was gloomily predicting it would be an event best saved for making Saturday night not a total loss...what? like y'all don't go to the strippers with your siblings? You dont? ok then, moving right along...
The bulk of Saturday was spent shopping [sheesh, what else would we do!] and then getting ready for the 'big night' *cough* which was kicking off at 3 o'clock. Which was a seriously early start in my opinion, some pacing was going to be required. For all of those out there that don't know, I don't do alcohol terribly well. I am a very, very cheap drunk, a one-glass-wonder in fact. And when I hit my limit, I go to sleep. Period. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, its lights out, yup, even in the middle of sex. That's a whole other story tho.
Any way, our Aunt picked us up and off we troddled to the cousins friends house to celebrate one of the hen's last nights of freedom. We had all been told to wear all black, which was a cute concept as we all ended up with brightly coloured feather boa's while our poor cousin was stuck in a truly hideous 80's pink out fit, complete with bright pink veil and flashing, bobbling cock head-band [which her sister had picked out, who is definitely my favourite cousin of the two]
So there we were, my sister and I stuck with about sixteen lawyers [nothing against lawyers you understand but they are just a tiny bit low on fun factor] our other cousin and our aunt [really, who has their mum at their hen night!] We played the requisite hen night games, one of which was a kind of pub quiz about the hen herself. I certainly got to know a lot more about my cousin. One of the questions was, Which on this list didn't she sleep with at university? [it was a bloody long list] and apparently it was her lecturer, promiscuity runs in the family, who knew?
A few more games including carving cocks out of cheese it was time to head into town. Thank goodness, I was having pacing problems and would have quite happily thrown a whole of wine down straight by this point. Next on the agenda was a burlesque dancing lesson. To be fair this was a hell of a lot of fun [or maybe that was just the free margaritas talking] and it made for some hilarious facebook photos later on! The H on looking at them commented...Oh look, you can see your knickers, there's a surprise!
Next up was dinner. My sister and I ended up at opposite ends of the table and I thought that maybe it was a great opportunity to get to know some of the others there. Or not. I was next to my aunt, situation potentially salvageable by getting her pissed and getting all of her cougar stories out of her [she's the Remuera cougar from hell and she does it well!] but sadly she had the same idea as I, staying sober and well behaved was the way to go. Lets face it, at the wedding no one wants to be pointed out as the drunk chick who danced on the table with her top off at the hens night.
To be fair, I did try hard to make conversation with my surrounding new lawyer friends but gave up after an hour or so of trying, even my aunt was struggling with the lot we were stuck with. Dinner was only salvaged by large quantities of wine [which appeared to be having no fuckin effect, I had given up trying to be well behaved] and nipping outside to swap horror stories about our dinner companions with my sister. I think she won the horror stories game with the chick sitting opposite her, that stalks all her ex-boyfriends on facebook (she's married) and thought that all the food was 'omg gross, I cant eat that!' I got the dieter from hell. Seriously who flys all the way from London for her friends wedding and only has a diet shake on the hen night, nothing else, no food, no drinks, just the diet shake...and as a side note, I spotted her at the wedding outside drinking her freaking diet shake! I don't know whether to admire her commitment or think she's a complete freak!
Finally dinner was over and it was time to hit the pubs and clubs. Sadly walking down the road the heel on my shoe broke. My sister and I swapped looks and muttered 'oh dear, what a shame, we better go back to the hotel and get some more shoes' [and my H wonders why my suitcase is always half filled with shoes, for moments like these of course!] So with promises to catch up with the rest of them later [yeah right] we headed back to our hotel.
We get back to our room and my sister says she's in the mood to keep drinking, I heartily agreed, this night couldn't possibly be over yet! So I suggested:
Shall we go and catch up with J and her hen night? [one of my sisters friends who was also having her hen night in Auckland on the same night]
Wanna grab a bottle of wine and keep drinking here and talk some shit [we are soooo good at that]
Ok then, the casino?
Bar down the road? [I am seriously running out of suggestions here....]
Just as Im getting ready to throw a pillow at her, she asks
How far away is that swingers club you went to?
At the end of the road
Can you drink there?
Are there people there to talk to?
Ah, yup they are all pretty friendly [as most people are when they want to get into your knickers]
Shall we go?
WHAT? What about the strippers?
Nope, I want to go the swingers club. When am I ever going to get another chance? Chairman Mao [her partner] would never be interested in going to one.
Are you sure?
At this point I had this very small internal debate....Do I take my little sister to a swingers club??? Oh what the fuck, who am I to stomp on her hopes and dreams!
And the rest of the story? Well I am going to leave that to your imagination. We went, we had fun and no, in case your wondering we don't fuck together. That's just eww wrong icky! The rest stays in the 'sisters secrets' box!
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