I started out on this journey as an accidental adulterer. There were no rules, it was swift and lustful. The original bit on the side and I made up the rules as we went along. Later along the path I embarked on deliberate infidelity and a set of personal rules evolved and developed. The first set of rules that evolved were about the kind of guy I was looking for. I set a basic list of criteria that he had to meet, which can be found here in this post.
And by in large, I stuck to that list of criteria when I chose the guys I was going to sex with. Helicopter guy and Mr Big were selected based on the fact they met all of those points. But what do you do when one of your 'rules' is changed half way through the game?
Which rule you ask....the must be married rule. This is one that I have felt so strongly about I even climbed on my wee soapbox and had a little rant about it in this post. So when Mr Big told me he and his partner were ending their relationship I was stunned. Firstly out of concern for him but secondly because it meant that he was now going to be single. I must have really made my position clear to him on this rule as the second thing out of his mouth after telling me about the demise of his relationship was 'I know you are wanting an "attached" guy, so if this changes things I will understand'.
Huge dilemma. Do I end the relationship because he is now single and I have always said single guys are out? or do I stick with it because I like him and we have a fantastic friendship/relationship?
After giving it a huge amount of thought and talking over my concerns with him too, I decided to hang it in there with him. We have a great thing going and a very clear understanding between us what our relationship is about. His being single isn't going to change that. I still wouldn't choose a single guy over a married one for a fuck buddy but I think he's worth bending this particular rule over...
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12 comments:
I am riveted by your thought process. Especially since I just threw out the idea of being with a married guy and heard an overwhelming response AGAINST it. I personally don't think any of these situations are black and white. And that it is easy to judge another's situation. I commend you for your resolve. And I look forward to hearing what you have to say in further posts..
It's so hard to find great relationships, and all relationships morph, and we need to evolve with them, or abandon them. What you have with Mr. Big sounds so rare that I'm glad you're being practical about the rules. Your happiness is what started your infidelity, so the rules should accommodate that sometimes, no?
When you are honest to each other, you can overcome many things that you never thought you could do...
Some times, it's okay to change your own rules - it makes us only human. I know Mr. Big is worth you changing the rule:)
I don't know how far back you have read me (well, and now posts are all pulled) but I had a rule about "no married men" after one particular affair. Well, I changed my mind on that, mainly because I would never have the man I am with now had I stuck with it. And, in all honesty, he is the best match I have had in 6 years. So, my advice is throw out the rules and fly by instinct/situation. This one sounds too good to toss aside....
XO
CW
I think that it makes sense to have some rules when selecting an affair partner, but once you are involved it makes sense to go more with the flow.
I see the arguments on both sides: whether married or single 'friends' are better - definitely advantages and disadvantages there.
A very interesting development...
Sorry. As the fellow who challenged you before, I'll do so again. I think to change the rule is extraordinarily self-centered and fundamentally dishonest to your husband who wants to maintain your marriage. Someone who's single means--by definition--they don't have someone else in a sustained, committed relationship who can deal with all the baggage life presents. They will automatically be turning to you for that purpose. That's the nature of relationships. It's sophistry to think otherwise. Let's see what you're getting out of the relationship--some good sex (you can probably find whatever cock you need in any case) and an occassional ear. But if you were to lose a loved one, would you first to your husband or this guy for emotional support? Now, let's look at it from the newly-single guy's perspective. Sure, he gets a pussy. But if a loved one died, who's he going to turn to for emotional support? His ex? Hardly. And if he isn't turning to you at that point, then I have to wonder if he's human. Because that's what I've observed among my friends and acquaintances. So, if you want an affair, have it with a married guy (or maybe you're willing to try married pussy? I'd be surprised if your hubby would turn down a MFF 3some) or get a divorce and try finding a new mate. Otherwise, you're being at best inconsiderate of your husband, whom you say you love. If you really love him, stay with the married guys--it's only fair to him. If my wife decided to have an affair and I found out, my first question would be is he married. Because if he's not, she's going to be asking for a divorce sooner or later. Better to move the process along for me.
PS. Are you really that selfish? You haven't come across that way up to now. And if you are, why haven't you gotten a divorce already?
In these situations I think the Rules are ever changing. As long as everyone is clear of the intent of the relationship, go with it. Things can always be adjusted along the way.
You instituted the rule for a reason: to protect yourself. Has that reason changed?
Your writing intrigues me to no end ... so I keep coming back again and again and again. Thank you!
This topic was so interesting after I just explained this type of thing to my husband. I feel as though I can live vicariously through you, even for a moment.
If you have a chance please swing by my blog to give me your opinion or any advice.
www.nocturnalchat.blogspot.com
Thanks!
I think rules are meant to be broken as hard and fast rules cannot always apply to every situation. Go with you gut instinct and when things go a bit pear shaped move on and start over.
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