I wrote a long venty post a while ago about men looking for NSA sex and how I thought that such a beast did not truly exist. [As a side note, go and read the comments, they are absolutely fantastic, better than the post itself!]
Florida Dom turned the question on me and asked 'What do I want?' It has taken me this long to post a reply because I have been giving this some very serious thought, my conclusion....I don't know.
I have a few experiences under my belt now, I have tried out a couple of different men and relationships/scenarios and I still don't know quite what I want. However I do know what I don't want. I do not want some cold, meaningless NSA fuck with some random guy. That is so not me.
I want someone that will be around for a while, someone who you can develop a level of mutual trust and friendship with. Do I want to go as far as having a secondary relationship again? I don't know, I am still feeling a bit gun shy on that one!
More than just a fuck and less than a relationship....leaves it pretty wide open eh? And this post is not a particularly good answer to what is a very thought provoking question!
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8 comments:
I have found that the perfect NSA relationship is friendship + Intimacy.......the key to a successful NSA friendship is a mutually understood set of groundrules...... jealousy and being possessive are deal breakers.
Love your blog!
I don't think I could manage a truly NSA relationship. I guess it depends on how strictly it's defined, but I put a lot of emphasis on getting to really know someone, cuddling and caring, etc. Except for a twice when I was the one picked up in a bar, all of my experiences with women quickly became long term relationships.
I just read the linked post "A Fuck and Nothing But a Fuck", and I'm glad you linked back to it (was posted during my off-blog time). I would like to weigh in here.
NSA is a finicky term, meaning many things to many people. Just like 'sex' for some could be 'freakish unlawful acts' to others - it's all perspective. When I was single and partying, it wasn't unusual to hear friends with NSA situations. It just means there is someone you're fucking but not obligated to. Now that I'm married, I have friends that are married or engaged, and NSA develops a whole different connotation.
What are the 'strings'? Well, it's not that cut and dry, is it? Some people start out with a sailors lanyard, the other with cotton thread, so even if you cut one string in each, you have two very different situations.
But I must agree with the comments on the previous post: there is always some degree of connection in any NSA. Even with paid sex. But what degree has to be determined between the partners, and I'm fairly sure that few people can say the criteria can be carried from one hook-up to the next.
Sorry for the long comment and bad analogies :-)
I commented on the first post about most "good" relationships come from a mutual need, but, I wanted to add that real NSA sex also has to balance honesty about what is expected and a willingness to admit when things are changing.
(at this point I started wandering, so I'll take the rest of my response to my own blog. I don't want to be a hijacker)
I'm not much for NSA, either, at least in theory. My goal is always a "relationship" of some sort, although nothing too heavy, of course. However, because of chemistry, there are certain women for whom NSA is about all I can deal with.
With that said, though, as a woman, I personally would steer clear of guys who insist *up front* on NSA.
There's gotta be SOMETHING that draws one to another... we see people that we would love to have sex with... and those we wouldn't... some of those that LOOK like someone we would do, end up being WTF was I thinking!?!?!
I don't think that there is ever really NO Strings...
~shoes~
NSA.... I'm always curious when I meet someone who is capable of such a thing. I am incapable of such a thing. And I beat myself up over it at first. But then decided...why?
I think what you described- more than a fuck but less than a relationship. It's out there. There are so many different people looking for such different things... You'll find it.
xo
All the affairs I've have had down the years have been predicated on friendship. Firstly, without some kind of personal connection I can't imagine the sex being that great - as you need the opportunity to open up and express what you'd like... imagine asking a chick you've just met in a bar if she'd whip you till you bled or something!
Secondly, if you know something about the person and there is a personal connection there, you can at least be honest about what you're looking for. I can phone my friend and ask "fancy a shag?" at any moment because we both understand what it is we have. We can share a joke and a bed, but neither of us is operating under any illusions.
Lying to a partner to get your end away only adds to the tangle of emotions and logistics that trip so many people up.
IMO, obviously :)
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