Its fucking hard...

I knew it wouldn't be easy opening our marriage up. I expected it to be challenging, to not always go well or as planned. But I think I had in some small way deluded myself as how to how fucking hard it would be sometimes. Monogamy is the norm, its the expected in society and its a strong belief that we are all raised with. You will find one partner, and one partner only and settle down into a life-long state of marital bliss with that person. Trying to overcome your own in-built morals surrounding that *fact* is hard enough, trying to do in within a relationship with another persons own perceptions of that in-built fact is fucking hard.

Monogamous relationships are fucking hard too. There are enormous challenges that face any couple trying to bond over a long period of time, hell just the passage of life and the changing nature of people makes any relationship require constant attention and work. Throw in all the pitfalls of trying open that relationship up to include other people and you just magnify every crack in your original relationship and discover great chasms opening up before your very eyes.

So if its so bloody hard, why do it? damn good question. Because when it does work and it is going well, its awesome, fulfilling, fun, exciting, satisfying and so many other things! And working your way through the hard bits with your partner is good, its not always fun but its good, its satisfying and at the end of the day you pop out the other side better off. Not only as a person but as a couple as well and those benefits can be felt in every single part of your life.

And when it doesn't work? When communication seems to go nowhere other than an ever decreasing circle...when jealous becomes too much for either of you to handle...when the hard bits feel too damn hard...what do you do then? Fucked if I know...

HNT: Shy girl...

I hide my face, but not in shame....I just don't want y'all to know my name!
(yeah ok, I suck at poetry!)

Happy HNT! Be sure and visit Obasso to see who else is playing along this week!

HNT: Bikini...

By the time this post hits the blogsphere I will be in the 'land of smiles' enjoying sun, sand, shopping and of course sex! This is my rather pasty white pre-holiday bod....when I get back I will show ya my tan-lines *wink*

Happy HNT! and be sure and visit Obasso to see who else is playing along this week!

HNT: Say goodbye to winter...

Spring has sprung, the grass has ris'
I wonder where the birdies is?

I know that up there in the North, you are all no doubt already mourning the end of summer. But way down under here, spring has arrived and summer is on its way! So to celebrate I'm saying goodbye to my winter stockings and hello to summer dresses and strappy sandals!

Happy HNT everyone and make sure you go along and visit Obasso and see who else is playing along this week!

Fourteen hours of fun...

This post was meant to be about the fourteen fantastic hours I spent with Mr Big. And it was a truly fantastic night! But given I have just ended our relationship I am very much struggling to gather together the necessary state of mind to write about it in a way it deserves.....I will hopefully get to it one day. The night was everything I had hoped for and some!

Why did I end it? Well when your marriage opens up you realise that there a potential there for not just a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits, but for a relationship. Your not sneaking around grabbing snatches of the other person whenever and wherever you can. Knowing that what your getting is as much as you can get or as good as it can get.

I had/have feelings for him, huge feelings that came through when I realised that there really could be a relationship. Unfortunately with him just coming out of a long term relationship, there wasn't space in his head for one with me.

When you have feelings for someone, you also have expectation. Expectations of the way you want them to behave towards you, of what you want from them. When you want to have a relationship with someone you also have needs, needs that need to be met.

He is not in a position to meet my expectations or my needs at the moment. So to save myself a lot of grief, hurt and disappointment, I decided that moving on is the best thing for now. I didnt want to get to a point where I was being hurt because he couldn't meet my expectations or needs.

It is so very fucking hard to let go of someone you want so badly...