Under my skin....

What do you do when a lover gets under your skin? When they chip away at the walls of self-protection that you surround yourself with. The ones that are carefully placed there to protect your emotional venerability, your heart as it were.

What do you when they become the first thing that you think of when you wake and the last thing that you think of when drifting off to sleep?

What do you do with the startling realisation that maybe, just maybe, there more than just a sexual longing and need when your thoughts turn to them?

Do you cut your losses and run? or do you stay and see where the path will take you?

What do you do when a lover gets under your skin?

Trick question?

Helicopter guy is off visiting a far off-ish land this week and I just so happened to catch him on MSN this morning. Much to my delight he sent me a message saying 'Hi' etc and we had a quick wee conversation. One thing he brought up was whether I had any 'gentlemen callers' this week (his words, not mine)

This question made me sit back and wonder how the hell do I answer that? Is it a trick question? Should I be honest? or should I perhaps I should *fudge* the truth a little, one way or the other? What is it he really wants to know?

Now, I can't speak 'man speak', sheesh I can barely speak 'woman speak' so I am completely clueless about what he was wanting to know when he asked that question and indeed, why he even asked it. Maybe its just me, but I don't want to know if he has other women. I really think its none of my business, although I do know that his profile is still very active on that website, so I am assuming that there are others and if there aren't, that he's still looking.

My answer to his questions was.....Its been very quiet on that front. I didn't mention the coffee date with IT guy (whole other blog post!) or the increasing insistence from the original bit on the side for a get together (I may be horny but I aint stupid, not going to happen!)

So my question to all of you out there is........why did he ask? and what did he want to hear?

Why I do the things I do.....

There are no doubt as many reasons why people stray from their marriages are there are people that stray. Ask ten people and you will probably get ten different answers. I don't think that one single reason covers it either. Its a complex mix of reasons that is unique to every individual that does this.

So why do I? Well for a start I fell into it. An accidental adulterer if you could call it that. He was there, I was tempted and so it happened. Although I don't think it would have happened if there wasn't something missing in my life though. Lets face it, when we are married, there is temptation everywhere, we don't always act on it, in fact most of the time we don't give it a second thought.

Messing around with the bit on the side made me realise that there was more than just sex missing in my life. Maybe I should rephrase that to, more than just an orgasm missing. Because sex is about so much more than just the orgasm, I can achieve an orgasm on my own with just as much pleasure in a fairly short time frame, no man or mess involved!. No, sex involves touching another person, connecting on a level, sharing yourself and taking from them and lots of other wonderful things that are far beyond just an orgasm.

I was missing that touching, that sharing, that connecting with another person just as much as I was missing a good hard fuck. Its not like my H doesn't touch me, he does. He cuddles and kisses me and randomly touches me just for the hell of it. We don't have sex as often as I would like, obviously, but the sex we do have is fantastic and satisfying. But I miss the, well, intimacy that goes with having sex.

The other reasons I look for it elsewhere are ego and selfishness. Usually not nice traits that we want to think about in our personalities. But if I am honest with myself, I love having my ego stroked by the fact another man finds me attractive, wants to fuck me. There is nothing that will bolster your self esteem like it! (other than incredibly sexy lingerie that's very flattering)

I'm also a selfish creature, that's not to say that I'm not giving and generous person, but I am also inherently selfish. I know the difference between wants and needs and I choose to selfishly believe that some of my wants are needs instead, why else would I screw around on my H.

There are a whole lot more reasons why I dip my toe out of the marital bed, these are probably just the major ones. Its hard to look inwards and reason out why I do this, instead of just dismissively saying 'because I can'. But I think if you gain anything at all out infidelity, it should at least be a better understanding of yourself (and secondly some seriously good sex!)

The successful applicant must have......

When I posted my profile on the 'adult dating' website, I must admit that I hadn't given too much thought to what sort of guy/s I was looking for. Sure I had a few basic rules about 'must have/must be' and was upfront in my profile about what I was seeking, but I didn't have a list of criteria they must meet. I have found that a criteria list has evolved through the experience of receiving messages and having a good hard think about the risks involved and how to minimise those risks.

As anyone who dips their toe outside the marital bed will tell you, there are indeed risks that come with this kind of thing. Some are small and easy to minimise, some are huge and potentially life destroying. Lets face it, when you buy a new car you get as many safety features that you can possibly afford in order to keep you and your family safe on the road, so why not put the same thought and effort into your potential fuck buddy? Not all of it is about risk, most of it is just about what I want in a man.

So no doubt your wondering what my criteria is! Wonder no more, for here it is.....

Must be/Must have

Must be married
There are a whole host of reasons why I'm not interested in single guys. Married guys have as much to lose as you do and have a healthy appreciation & understand for the risk etc. your putting yourself at.

Must live within the same city
Initially I was pretty tough on this bit of criteria, I thought that keeping it close to home would make logistics easier. But after thinking about this a bit more, I am beginning to think that someone from out of town who visits regularly could work. Oh and cut down on the chances of running into them in the pub on a Friday night! I'm now keeping my options open on that one.

Must be aged between 35 - 45
I'm not hugely ageist, if the right kinda guy fall slightly out of this range I won't discount him because of it. I have been messaged by quite a few guys well into their 50's and 60's, lets face it for them, a mid-thirties woman would be a hell of a score! But I'm just not into sugar daddy's.

Must have some intelligence
Hey, I'm not talking Mensa type intelligence here. Just someone who can hold a conversation and doesn't reply with grunts. Not that you need top-end linguist abilities to fuck but it doesn't hurt right?

Must have a sense of humour
There is nothing sexier than a guy with a wicked sense of humour. For me, this is about having fun as well as satisfying a need & it would be great to find someone you can have a laugh with at the same time!

Must look after themselves
I put a lot of effort into looking after myself and expect the same from my potential partners. I don't expect hard-bodied gym junkies (prefer not actually!) but a good standard of personal care and hygiene is a must.

Slappers need not apply
If your shagging or trying to shag everything that walks past, I'm not interested. I would prefer to think that I'm the only one or at least part of a select few that you share yourself with (quality over quantity)

There are more things that I take into account when weighing up a guys potential for being my fuck buddy and I'm sure I have missed a crucial bit of criteria off this list (it will no doubt come to me in the middle of the night!) Reading back over this post, I'm almost feeling like I'm being a wee bit picky. But at the end of the day, it is all about me......

Starting in the middle

So what's a girl to do when she hits her mid thirties, is happily married with the requisite 2.4 children and she's bored out of her tiny mind?

Easy, shag the next attractive man that crosses her path of course....

Well actually, I think most other women take up yoga or some other challenging, time filling activity instead of shagging some other woman's husband. Perhaps not as amusing or exciting but definitely a little less risky.

A little bit about me and what lead me to my extra marital indiscretion:

As I said, I'm in my mid thirties, happily married with 2 lovely children. I run my own business which is exciting and challenging. My life is happy and full, so why on earth would I dabble about with a bit on the side? Ahh, now that is a very good question. The answer is probably the same as thousands of other women out there in exactly the same position: boredom, lack of attention from dear husband, being so many other people other than yourself and a million of other reasons.

So how did I end up doing this? well you certainly don't wake up one morning thinking "hmmm must find another man to shag" and add it to your to-do list along with PTA meeting and get milk. He kind of crept in and blind-sided me. I wasnt expecting it or even looking for it but one day there he was....