Of Dick Pics and Other Things...

The website I use to find men allows the guys (and girls too) to have a profile picture. Now women of the world, correct me if I'm wrong, but the very first thing you do not want to see when looking at a screen full of male profiles, is a picture of his meat and veges. Sure I do want to see, don't get me wrong but its just not the first thing I want to see. Unless of course you fit into that freak of nature category in which case I will happily perve away. My personal favourite picture was one of a guy with his member laid out on a table with a cigarette lighter next to it as a size marker and the lighter looked tiny! I suspect in hindsight that he may have used one of those little half size baby lighters!

Personally, I like to see a lovely shot of a chest, back maybe or even some tight buns, that will do it for me every time. And a small tip if your going to show your buns clad, please think carefully about the cladding. I know I'm an underwear snob but seriously guys, you can buy nice undies out there, instead of using the ones from the six pack that your mother-in-law bought you for Christmas. Y-fronts, baggy boxers and women's underwear (yes, seriously I have seen) are not going to float the average woman's boat. Oh, and thongs, sorry but thongs make me think of "The Hoff", leopard print and ..... we won't follow that thought train any further, its just getting into ugly territory.

Colour is important too, I will never forget the day that I unzipped the original bit on the sides pants only to discover a pair of undies in the most lurid and sick inducing green colour. Killed my mojo completely! Do you know how hard it is to give a blow job whilst your sniggering??

Now if you are going to insist on popping up a picture of your manhood, might I be bold enough to suggest that:

1. You get a hard on - this one really doesn't need any explanation, hard cock always looks better than soft cock.

2. You have just a wee bit of a trim around the shrubbery. Personally I like my guys clean shaven, but if your not into that at least a little work on the garden never hurts.

So why do men put their tackle out there in all its glory as their profile picture? Do they hope that women will respond in kind and load up pic's of their vajayjays all over the internet? Ok, don't answer that, you probably do. I rather suspect though, that the only people interested in checking out the profile pictures of cocks, without having to look at the rest of the profile, is other men (in leopard print thongs) I will leave you with that thought.......

The successful applicant must have......

When I posted my profile on the 'adult dating' website, I must admit that I hadn't given too much thought to what sort of guy/s I was looking for. Sure I had a few basic rules about 'must have/must be' and was upfront in my profile about what I was seeking, but I didn't have a list of criteria they must meet. I have found that a criteria list has evolved through the experience of receiving messages and having a good hard think about the risks involved and how to minimise those risks.

As anyone who dips their toe outside the marital bed will tell you, there are indeed risks that come with this kind of thing. Some are small and easy to minimise, some are huge and potentially life destroying. Lets face it, when you buy a new car you get as many safety features that you can possibly afford in order to keep you and your family safe on the road, so why not put the same thought and effort into your potential fuck buddy? Not all of it is about risk, most of it is just about what I want in a man.

So no doubt your wondering what my criteria is! Wonder no more, for here it is.....

Must be/Must have

Must be married
There are a whole host of reasons why I'm not interested in single guys. Married guys have as much to lose as you do and have a healthy appreciation & understand for the risk etc. your putting yourself at.

Must live within the same city
Initially I was pretty tough on this bit of criteria, I thought that keeping it close to home would make logistics easier. But after thinking about this a bit more, I am beginning to think that someone from out of town who visits regularly could work. Oh and cut down on the chances of running into them in the pub on a Friday night! I'm now keeping my options open on that one.

Must be aged between 35 - 45
I'm not hugely ageist, if the right kinda guy fall slightly out of this range I won't discount him because of it. I have been messaged by quite a few guys well into their 50's and 60's, lets face it for them, a mid-thirties woman would be a hell of a score! But I'm just not into sugar daddy's.

Must have some intelligence
Hey, I'm not talking Mensa type intelligence here. Just someone who can hold a conversation and doesn't reply with grunts. Not that you need top-end linguist abilities to fuck but it doesn't hurt right?

Must have a sense of humour
There is nothing sexier than a guy with a wicked sense of humour. For me, this is about having fun as well as satisfying a need & it would be great to find someone you can have a laugh with at the same time!

Must look after themselves
I put a lot of effort into looking after myself and expect the same from my potential partners. I don't expect hard-bodied gym junkies (prefer not actually!) but a good standard of personal care and hygiene is a must.

Slappers need not apply
If your shagging or trying to shag everything that walks past, I'm not interested. I would prefer to think that I'm the only one or at least part of a select few that you share yourself with (quality over quantity)

There are more things that I take into account when weighing up a guys potential for being my fuck buddy and I'm sure I have missed a crucial bit of criteria off this list (it will no doubt come to me in the middle of the night!) Reading back over this post, I'm almost feeling like I'm being a wee bit picky. But at the end of the day, it is all about me......