Fourteen hours of fun...

This post was meant to be about the fourteen fantastic hours I spent with Mr Big. And it was a truly fantastic night! But given I have just ended our relationship I am very much struggling to gather together the necessary state of mind to write about it in a way it deserves.....I will hopefully get to it one day. The night was everything I had hoped for and some!

Why did I end it? Well when your marriage opens up you realise that there a potential there for not just a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits, but for a relationship. Your not sneaking around grabbing snatches of the other person whenever and wherever you can. Knowing that what your getting is as much as you can get or as good as it can get.

I had/have feelings for him, huge feelings that came through when I realised that there really could be a relationship. Unfortunately with him just coming out of a long term relationship, there wasn't space in his head for one with me.

When you have feelings for someone, you also have expectation. Expectations of the way you want them to behave towards you, of what you want from them. When you want to have a relationship with someone you also have needs, needs that need to be met.

He is not in a position to meet my expectations or my needs at the moment. So to save myself a lot of grief, hurt and disappointment, I decided that moving on is the best thing for now. I didnt want to get to a point where I was being hurt because he couldn't meet my expectations or needs.

It is so very fucking hard to let go of someone you want so badly...

Under my skin....

What do you do when a lover gets under your skin? When they chip away at the walls of self-protection that you surround yourself with. The ones that are carefully placed there to protect your emotional venerability, your heart as it were.

What do you when they become the first thing that you think of when you wake and the last thing that you think of when drifting off to sleep?

What do you do with the startling realisation that maybe, just maybe, there more than just a sexual longing and need when your thoughts turn to them?

Do you cut your losses and run? or do you stay and see where the path will take you?

What do you do when a lover gets under your skin?

Cowboys & Kisses

So there I was, troddling along in my own little world completely oblivious to the fact that a man I did business with had a bit of a crush on me. I am not a particularly switched on person when it comes to noticing men noticing me, something my husband thinks is extremely funny. Which is perhaps why it took so long before I noticed, but eventually I did!

It all kind of started when we swapped a few emails, the conversation started being laden with sexual innuendo, until it finally got to the point where we couldn't keep our hands off each other any longer.

And so, sixteen months later we still can't keep our hands off each other. It's funny, when you start off with these things you expect it to be just a quick fling. Maybe a couple of steamy encounters at best. I would never have imagined that it would evolved into a long term thing.

Oddly enough, I'm still only in it for the sex. You would assume after such a length of time the dreaded emotional involvement would have crept in and if I'm honest, there was a point where I had talked myself into believing I was emotionally involved but then quickly talked myself back out of it!

So what keeps bringing me back? I really don't know, its something I really should ponder.