Finding what your looking for (when your not even looking)

There is a saying that goes something along the lines of "if you stop looking you will find it" I think that pretty much applies to whatever it is that your looking for, be it the flotsam of life including your car keys, right up to the big stuff that matters much.

I suspect that it has much to do with knowing what it is you want but not focusing on it. The mental image of whatever you desire is lurking constantly in the back of your mind, so when the opportunity presents itself your switched on enough to recognise it could lead to where you want to go, perhaps.

So I hear you ask, what is it I was looking for and how did I find it? After life went decidedly pear shaped a year or so ago, I formed the idea over a couple of month period, that should I ever involve myself with a man that I wasn't married to, then there was a certain type of man and certain type of relationship I wanted. Compromise was not going to enter into it.

I made this sweeping rationalisation and decision, never once thinking that the ideal scenario was even possible, let alone thinking that I would ever find it. But I did. I found a man (or rather he found me) who is in an open marriage, who fits all those little 'must haves' I have on my list. And the 'must haves' are not numerous and unreasonable, but past experience had made me think that finding someone who thought the same way as I do about open relationships and everything they encompass, was just never going to happen. But it did...

Oh and a big 'Thank you very much!' to everyone to who stopped by to say welcome back :)

I don't know...

I wrote a long venty post a while ago about men looking for NSA sex and how I thought that such a beast did not truly exist. [As a side note, go and read the comments, they are absolutely fantastic, better than the post itself!]

Florida Dom turned the question on me and asked 'What do I want?' It has taken me this long to post a reply because I have been giving this some very serious thought, my conclusion....I don't know.

I have a few experiences under my belt now, I have tried out a couple of different men and relationships/scenarios and I still don't know quite what I want. However I do know what I don't want. I do not want some cold, meaningless NSA fuck with some random guy. That is so not me.

I want someone that will be around for a while, someone who you can develop a level of mutual trust and friendship with. Do I want to go as far as having a secondary relationship again? I don't know, I am still feeling a bit gun shy on that one!

More than just a fuck and less than a relationship....leaves it pretty wide open eh? And this post is not a particularly good answer to what is a very thought provoking question!

Am I already a cougar???

I have been getting an astonishingly large amount of profile views and messages lately from 18 to 26 year olds....does this mean that I am already a cougar? Dear god I hope not....I had assumed that I had a few more years to go before that happened. And really, I do want to be a cougar...when I grow up!

I'm not entirely sure why on earth these young guys think I would be the slightest bit interested in teaching them how to eat pussy and fuck....for free! Yup, that's pretty much what their messages consist of "...looking for an older woman to teach me how to please a woman in bed" My best advice sunshine...listen to what she's telling you. But given that twenty-something males are not prone to listening on any level, its fairly wasted advice. Although, I have heard a rumour that at that age they can keep it hard all night and go again and again and again....food for thought ;)

I have only really had one encounter of the cougar-kind but to be fair I really don't think he realised I was over ten years older than him [I look quite youthful for my age] Anyway, a long story short....I was in a bar with some friends and when I'm out drinking I don't like using the ladies loo's. No offence girls, but after midnight the ladies loos are fairly gross and there is always someone up-chucking in there, so I use the boys room. Lets face it guys very rarely sit down on a night out and they are nice enough to throw up outside, ergo the stalls are relatively clean.

So use the boys room I did and this young guy was obviously so impressed/in awe/in shock at my audacity that he had to start a conversation which kind of quickly lead to him daring me to kiss him, never one to turn down a challenge like that, I did [Oh and he was very hot, or maybe that was the tequila goggles talking] After that surprisingly good kiss, I had to ask how old he was. 'About the same age as you' he replied 'And that would be?' I asked. '25' Needless to say, I snorted and bolted back to my friends.

Oh and if your ever tempted to use the men's room yourself you must have a smart-arse reply for one of the twenty idiots lined up at the urinal that will ask you to come hold his cock...'Sure darlin, how do you like your shoes, damp or soaking wet?' usually works for me.

So I am quite sure, that somewhere in my future, I will be stalking 18 year olds in bars. Probably wearing a too-tight/too short animal print dress, way too much gold jewellery and make-up, one day, but not just yet...

Valentines Day and other ramblings...

Valentines Day...is it me or is this just a commercial event? I was chatting to a friend yesterday and he was getting all excited about it and what he was planning on doing for/with his partner. Granted he's a newly-wed so for him its still a big deal. For me not so, after 18 valentines days I really don't expect roses, chocolates or proclamations of love [actually the chocolates would be quite nice!] but really, if the H is only going to show me how much he loves me only one day a year, I think that's a bit sad really. But then for us, every day we tell each other how much we love each other and show it in lots of little way. Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth typing that!


Oooh but I did have Champagne today [sadly no chocolate...] We went to the opening of a women's clothing shop that we did the design and fit out for. I was incredibly excited to see my design in place [in case you all didn't know I'm a furniture designer] I was in Sydney on a business trip/mini holiday when the guys were doing the install. Oh boy do I have a few stories to tell of *that* trip, yup it involves drag queens, berry mojitos and well, will leave the rest of the details for another post. Anyway, back to the opening, what the hell do you wear to the opening of a high-end women's clothing shop? Major wardrobe moment there! I finally decided on a black maxi dress, strappy wedge heels and some chunky silver jewellery...good call I thought, I didn't look like a tunic/legging wearing clone like the rest of the women there. And given it was 30 deg here today, it was nice and cool too!


It was a nice end to a fab day, getting mildly pissed at the end of a good day always is! The rest of day involved shopping/choosing/negotiating with the H over bathroom fittings. Seriously, every new build/renovation I swear it will be our last....until the next one! Bathrooms and kitchens have to be the worst don't they? I have very strong ideas about what I do and don't like [me bossy and opinionated? yeah I know big surprise!] but I'm also so tight I squeak...getting the right look on my budget aint easy I tell ya! Mission accomplished tho...thank goodness!

Random Thought #1: Communication...

Communication...I completely suck at it. Well I do and I don't. I have learnt through the various roles in my life to be an extraordinarily good communicator depending on the situation. Professionally, my greatest compliments come from my ability to communicate with my customers, to listen, understand what they are saying and quite often what they aren't saying and deliver back to them their vision.

But on a personal level, I really don't communicate very well at all. I am great at listening, but not verbally giving back anything about me, anything personal or to even communicate what I'm thinking or feeling at the time.I tend to bottle in everything I am thinking and feeling and not express it at the person it needs to be expressed to. One thing I am good at though is making assumptions instead of asking, dear god am I fantastic at that, much to my own detriment sometimes.  Although in my own defence, I do think I am getting better at communicating. I try and make a conscious effort now to ask what I want to know, to tell how I feel. But I do wonder....

Are you only as bad at communicating as the person your trying to communicate with? If you get nothing back from that person, if they aren't sharing why on earth would you put yourself out there and talk about your own wants, needs, desires...well you don't. So its pretty much a two way street.

So why is it such a big deal...communication? Its what keeps us close in relationships, that constant sharing. It lets you know where the other person is at. From the simple "How was your day?" to the deeper, more meaningful level of communication, it creates and keeps the bond between two people. Without it, there is no relationship...

So if communication is so damn important, why are we often so bad at it?

Tales of fucking and debauchery...

....I just cant seem to write them. Well, no that's not true I can, if it involves fantasy but not about real life. I had a wee look at my posts and the end of May was the last time I wrote a post about my sexcapades...sad eh? And its not as if I don't have anything to share, I do.

I seem to suffering from some bizarre kind of writers block where every time I try and write about my shenanigans it ends up sounding like some Mills & Boon story, ok admittedly one that's a bit twisted and riske but seriously I couldn't produce a seriously good fuck tale if my lingerie collection depended on it!

And whilst you, my fantastic followers and lovely readers, don't seem to be bothered by the fact I haven't written a good fuck tale in six months [it amazes the hell out of me that you keep coming back week after week] it bugs the hell out of me that I haven't. Why? Because I love writing about it, I love trying to describe every lick, nibble and moan in a way that you all feel like you were along side me for the fun.

Maybe I'm just trying too hard, self critiquing and self censoring too much? Maybe I just need to get the hell over myself!

Relationships...

Having one relationship is hard enough, some days I think I'm completely cracked trying to have two. Especially one that doesn't fit into a defined 'box'. For a start what the heck do I call him (Mr Big, in case your wondering what the hell I'm on about...don't worry I often do!) a lover? my boyfriend? a very, very good friend with some outstanding benefits? nah that last one is a bit long. I like the term boyfriend, its kinda cute but I'm  not sure it quite fits.

And then there's defining the boundaries of the relationship. He's single, I'm not. It was all so much easier when we were a couple of adulterers. There are the rules of adultery to follow, you know the ones...don't text after hours, daytime meetings only, basic facts about each other is the only information shared etc...Now I wonder and worry about how much we should see and talk to each other. I also suspect I worry about this stuff far too much. Its really hard finding the boundaries though. How much relationship is enough but not too much?

I know he sees me than more than a fuck buddy, someone he has feelings for and that it has evolved into being about more than just sex but what exactly is more? And I feel the same of him but at the end of the day, I'm married to someone else, I'm not a single girl and potential girlfriend. Oh I know we are still very much in an evolutionary phase and probably will be for sometime to come, so much has happened not only in our own lives but together that we are still finding our way.

From where we started as a couple of sneaky-on-the-side adulterers to being able to have a relationship out in the open and in front of everyone has been a heck of journey, one that even after seven months feels very much like its just beginning. So I guess I now can call myself polyamorous, husband in one hand and boyfriend in the other.

Oh and after eleven weeks apart, Mr Big and I finally got to spend sometime together one night last week...

Sitting on the edge of vanilla...

I have and have had for a very long time, a fascination with D/s and BDSM. Everything about it interests me, the theory, the play the whole lifestyle and of course the mystery of it all. I have read a lot about it. Talked to people who experience it, online and in 'real' life and have even dabbled a bit in the 'kink' of it all. And I do mean dabble, it has been something that has come and gone but its something that I always find myself returning to. But I'm sure this confession surprises none of you that have been reading my blog for a while, if you look its woven into a lot of what I have written here.

D/s relationships fascinate me. The exchange of power, the gift of submission, the acceptance of responsibility from the Dominant. It is not something that naturally slots into the modern society any longer which makes it all the more interesting. Especially for me, a woman who very much leads and controls her own life. I have life made up of leadership and control. I am the one that is sitting at the top but I ponder what would it be like to be able to give that up, just for a moment, a little while.

To not be in control, to not be the one making the decisions, to be able to surrender fully and completely to another. And another who would take you to the very edge of your boundaries, the edge of that cliff and push you to take one more step closer to the edge....

Your opinion please....

I was just having a conversation with the H about blogging and my blog. Yes, the H knows all about my blog. Well hell, if you going to tell him about all the men you have been fucking you may as well top it off with a 'oh hey and I write about it too!'

Anyway, back to the point. We were discussing about what I write and who I write about and I wondered out loud if I should tell Mr Big about the blog, after all he features reasonably prominently. I know that there are bloggers out there that are incredibly upfront and tell those they are involved with about their blog and dont write about them if that person wishes. I admire them for that.

But then there are tons of bloggers out there that don't let those that they blog about know about their blog. Some have been discovered by friends, family, work colleagues and indeed by their partners in crime and sometimes it works out well and sometimes not so...

So, the question I put out there to you all is...do I tell?

Warning: Bitchy, whiny vent ahead...

How many times can someone bail out of plans you have made with them before you starting thinking its you? Was it something I said, something I did, geez do I smell bad? I know 'life' happens and shit just gets in the way, but really, fuck....

Mr Big has, yet again, 'been unable to make it'. And I'm pissed, seriously pissed [as if you couldn't already guess] and what's even worse is I'm pissed off that I'm pissed off.....this should not be pissing me off! Mind you, I should have known, its Monday. For some reason, Mondays and I just don't mix.

Oh and then he asks if I'm free one night this week instead....well I could be but I'm pissed off and I cant have sex with someone I'm pissed off with [a girl thing I suspect] so that particular little gem has gone unanswered for the moment....it could take several hours [days] for me to cool off enough to formulate a reply.

Oh it just gets better too....I had been writing a post about the original bit on the side finally being out of my life, but no, he's not. He has started a new job today as a general manager for a large company [good for him, he deserves it!] and I rather naively thought that this new job would keep him relatively office bound and too busy to bother with me. Wrong. So far I have been furnished with his new cellphone number [ you can text me any time] and spammed with emails this morning, ok not spamed, they contained some quite outstanding porn clips, but still. He's there....still. I was obviously being a tad preemptive in writing that post!

On the bright side....I have the most gorgeous blueberry and white chocolate muffin and a packet of timtams waiting for me when I get home, no day is so bad that it cant be fixed with chocolate or alcohol or both!

I'm in lust with....

A porn star....yup you read that right. I have a major attack of the lusties over a porn star. I can't say that too often in my life I have succumbed to girlie crushes and lustful fantasies over a man...there was Jon Bon Jovi when I was a teenager in the '80's [you can stop sniggering now!] Keanu Reeves in the '90's [love the strong silent type!] and now its 'Rocco' - the italian stallion.

Those that know me well, know that I love watching porn. I am not a huge fan of the bulk-made commercial stuff, its too fake and contrived for me. I have a preference for the amateur stuff, love it. So I was over at redtube the other day searching out some amateur gems when a clip caught my eye. After watching it [3 or 4 times] I was in lust....

Now what, you may ask, is it about Rocco that floats my boat? I just love his style, of fucking that is. He actually looks like he's having fun and enjoying himself and the woman he's with, not just workin it for the extra $100 for the cum shot. It doesn't hurt that he's not too bad looking either, most of the guys in porn are well... icky for the want of a better word [think hairy backs, badly done fake tans, scary moustaches] Or maybe it cause he reminds me of Mr Big...

His work is definitely on the more hardcore side of things, so if that offends you, don't go searching for it and then bitch to me that it offended you. But if like me, the harder the better, jump onto redtube and search for Rocco, he's absolutely worth the look!

Defining relationships

I am one of those people that like putting things in boxes, labelling things, giving things a name and a definition. With the sexual relationships I have outside of my marriage I like to do the same and I have been pondering if others do this and if they come up with the same labels as me. For me the men in my life fall into three different categories: Fuck buddies, friends with benefits and lovers.

Fuck Buddies: I think this one is pretty self explanatory. You turn up, you fuck, you fuck off. There is no relationship. Just a spark and a desire to get naked together. Nothing more, nothing less. The most simplest and stress free of any type of relationship. For me this was Helicopter guy, a fab fuck buddy to be sure!

Friends with benefits: I always think of this one where you are friends first and foremost and the sex is just a bonus. The original bit on the side is my best example of this. Beyond anything else, we are mates. We enjoying hanging out together, we talk about more than just sex, we share what's going on in our lives. We occasionally get semi-naked and naughty together but its not the be all and end all of our friendship, although it certainly is fun and a huge part of why we are friends!

Lovers: When I think of the word 'Lovers' it conjurers up an idea of intimacy and closeness within the relationship. Where you are more than just friends. There is a spark of attraction for not only the body but the mind. Sex is not just about fucking and getting your needs met but beyond that into a intimate sharing of everything tied together with a bond of something indescribable.

Its almost like graduated levels. You can start as a fuck buddy, become a friend with benefits and evolve to a lover......but its a one way thing, forwards not backwards. You cannot descend from being a lover to a fuck buddy, or can you?

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder!

I'm in a snit, why? because I need a 'bit on the side' fuck. And its not there, I'm not getting any and I don't think I'm getting any this week either. Scheduling issues. Bah-fucking-humbug to scheduling issues.

Helicopter guy is well........who knows. Not really that worried about that one, he came, he saw, he conquered. I'm more than happy to leave it where we left it, on high note. For all his gorgeous body, good looks and fabulous sexual prowess, I really wasn't feeling it. It was lovely and satisfying but not enough to chase down for more.

The original bit on the side? well if he actually got his cock out and used it, I would be there with bells on, since he's not, I'm not. Nothing more frustrating than a clit tease! And good grief what a bloody tease he is. I do not count the couple of Friday nights ago hot n heavy make out session in the park whilst looking at pics of his wife's pussy as getting any! Yes, I know, this relationship has taken a strange and bizzare twist and I really need to write a post about it.

Mr Big.....scheduling issues. And to be honest I'm not seeing a window for a get together on the horizon either. The man has had three days off in the last five weeks. Workaholic me thinks, or just an inability to say no. Which leaves me wanting......wanting him, wanting a fuck, wanting him to grab me by the hair and tell me what a dirty slut I am before fucking me hard and fast. Bah-fucking-humbug!

I think I may just have broken my writers block tho.....hey that's progress on at least one level!

Kinky

When I'm not actually having a lot of extra-martial sex, I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about sex, watching it and talking about it....mainly with Mr Big. The darling deviant that he is, really wants to know how deviant I am and how kinky I would like to get. To be honest I found his question kind of hard to answer because deviancy and kinkiness is based on the opinion of the individual. So I had to go and look up the definitions online, dictionary.com states:

Kinky
Slang. marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior, as fetishism, sadomasochism, or the like.

Deviant

–adjective

1.deviating or departing from the norm; characterized by deviation: deviant social behavior.

–noun

2.a person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm.

Based off these definitions, kinky and deviant is what you are/your behaviour is when you depart from the 'norms' of society. When what you do and what your into is different from everyone else.

So what do you call normal then? I suppose we can take cues from the people around us, things/behaviour portrayed in the media, the fabric of society that surrounds us. I read an online article the other day [and can't find the link for it!] that stated that studies from our parents generation showed that giving/receiving oral sex was the number one thing fantasised about and was not as a rule part of 'normal' sexual play at that time.

Today, I very much doubt that oral is not included somewhere during sex and indeed is probably expected by both parties. Which I suppose shows that the 'norm' of society is forever shifting and changing. Anal sex is probably another really good example of this, certainly more common place now day, or perhaps maybe just talked about more? hard to tell I suppose.

For me, I think what sums up kinky and deviant is getting into stuff that I haven't done before. My married sex life is not particularly vanilla. There is not a lot that the H and I haven't tried and enjoyed! So there is a whole lot of stuff that I don't think of as kinky, to me its just normal, although I imagine that much of the population would think that its kinky as hell!

When I think kinky, I think of sexual activities like swinging. Not something that I have tried [although I would very much like to!] There is definitely a kind of deviancy to it that appeals very much to me! So how did I answer Mr Big's question?

Why don't you tie me up and find out! *wink*

Can sex be a hobby?

I was sitting in traffic the other day and I spotted a bumper sticker that said "A bad days fishing is better than a great day in the office". Which made me wonder, is an average afternoon spent fucking better than a great day in the office? and if it is, can fucking be a hobby?

One thing I really enjoy about playing around is the escape from reality that sex provides. Losing yourself in a different world, one of your own creation. Relief from the stresses of the world, not having to be you or even the persona that the rest of the world knows you by. Let alone the tension release that an orgasm can provide.

Which also makes me wonder about something else. I am very dominant in my everyday life, I run a business and a home. I am the go-to person for everything, the decision-maker, the person that carries the can. Its stressful, I love it but its a huge amount of responsibility to carry everyday. Maybe that is the attraction to sexual submissiveness? The desire to let go and allow someone else to make the decisions, be in charge, direct me?